s a l l y affair ♥

hello, greetings, salutations.

i know you’re reading my blog, congratz on finding it ! it’s kind of funny how you’ve always asked me about it, but i never gave you the URL. eventually you found it yourself, but never checked/read the things i wrote. well uhh, thanks for respecting my privacy, but i’m kind of glad you’re checking my blog now :). 

i’d like to start by saying, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. jk ur not. jk again, u r. jk, you’re not beautiful, you’re a very handsome young gentleman. i may have blogged some mean things about you to make you sound like a horrific person, but you’re not. let me tell you something dear, you are wonderful, and i’m very thankful and grateful to have you in my life. and i’m sorry if i don’t say it enough, but i do mean it. sometimes you may forget but, i chose you for a reason.

let’s look at all the silly things i like about you:

• exotic movie-scene sexy voice
• devilish smile :P
• fatness 
• non-existent abs
• your hair when it’s up
• the way you speak to me with utmost respect
• respecting my decisions, which mostly become OUR decisions in the end
• respecting my thought & opinion
• being open-minded
• spending all your time with me !
• enduring my painful insults when i have a really bad mouth
• looking away when i cry
• give me hugs when i don’t want them
• tell me i’m awesome, even though i know i am ;)
• making the BEST fishy face ! o3o (SO CUTE)
• having deep meaningful life conversations/debates
• texting me good morning!
• texting me good night!
• coming to visit me and waking up at 5am to bus to me
• cooking me food ALL THE TIME cuz i can’t/hate cooking
• feeding me bacon as my bonus treat 
• forcing me to eat my veggies when i hate them -.-
• threaten me to finish my homework!
• holding me really tight when i tell you to go away !! (haha.. evil)
• telling me my “WTF” face isn’t intimidating, when it is… 
• pretending to be not ticklish 
• wearing your U-neck shirts
• driving your car carefully, pretending as if i was in the shotgun seat every time
• not dying your hair blonde…
• complimenting my nails that i took 3 hours to paint ! 
• telling me i look pretty when i’m in my pjs … :)
• taking the TTC with me EVERY TIME i’m in toronto even if it costs you extra money
• trying to cheat the TTC system by paying less than $3 bus fare and influencing me to do it as well !
• buying me food
• then calling me cheap ass cuz i never buy you food
• having the idea of compiling a sketchbook !! :D
• calling me cheap ass cuz i don’t wanna pay $30 for a sketchbook (LOL)
• almost buying me a plushie from my fav anime off of ebay, then not cuz you remembered about the radiation
• wearing my lulu lemon pink headband while dancing to some song
• YOUR CRAZY DANCE OUTBREAK MOMENTS IN PUBLIC
• singing horribly on purpose when you clearly CAN SING
• playing the piano for me
• composing that song that reminded me of magical fairies for me :P
• making me laugh about stupid things
• telling me blonde jokes that I DO NOT find funny -.-
• protecting me from the bad guys !! :O
• protecting me from anything in general…

You see, the list is honestly endless. I could go on forever about every little thing i’ve noticed about you. You always think i’m “insensitive,” but you’re wrong. I do rmb a lot of things, I just choose not to say anything. Maybe I’m lacking in the part of communication, but once you read this list, i hope you feel amazing about yourself. Because, you ARE amazing. And even when sometimes I get really negative, I’m glad you’re on the other side pulling me back to be positive. You’re healthy for me, but maybe I’m too unhealthy for you… Hopefully I’ll be able to slowly fix that. I’m a really negative thinker sometimes, I can’t help but be influenced by my surroundings. So I apologize in advance if I say hurtful things, because even I know I do that a lot. Let’s be patient for each other, because with patience, great things can really blossom :) !

I’ve always thought about talking about my angry feelings in a video format.. but I feel as though it’d just fall apart and ultimately fail, LOL. In person, I’m too hyper, cheery and happy? Even when I’m mad, I look hyper. Writing blog posts feels more serious, and I somehow believe that my point gets across better. 

It’s so hot today… 27 C, ready for the freakin thunderstorm that the weathernetwork predicted. Really need to see some gloomy rain, and less sun today. Right now I’m torrenting all the Men In Black movies. Yeah, don’t kill me for never watching them before … I thought, hey, might as well. Since I’m a jobless hobo waiting for school to start, might as well occupy myself by downloading a dozen movies to watch per day to get my mind off this crappy summer.

Have you ever wondered if it was too late to make a last minute decision, or change? Well, I sure have. Your mind is constantly telling you to not turn around, not to look back and just keep moving forward… But deep inside somewhere, you just have that sudden urge of running back to the past and change what you did wrong. This is what I call regret. I tear up just thinking about some of the things I really regret… for the people that say they don’t regret anything they’ve done, props to you. Your heart must be made out of bricks, cuz hey, we all have regrets.

So my question is, do you believe that it’s ever too late to make amends?

“sorry”

“you’re better than me”

Sorry - I absolutely hate this word. I can never find myself seriously saying it to someone unless, it really was my fault. BUT, as a thick-headed dummy, I never see any situation as completely my fault. What does “sorry,” really mean? How does this one magical word make everything in the world better? I don’t know. But when ppl say sorry to me, I somehow feel better, more superior, more right. I admit, maybe back then I was pretty obsessed with being right all the time. My weakness, for sure; however, I AM trying to make myself a better person by not being so petty. But anywho, my point is, sorry is hard for me to say cuzzz, I’m trying that thing where you don’t regret anything in the past. Honestly speaking, it’s been okay so far, but sometimes I doooo regret some of my irresponsible actions and words that have harmed ppl around me. I don’t know where I’m getting at. I just know, somehow my brain just persuades itself that I’m not wrong, and shouldn’t say sorry. *insert psychology proof here.*

You’re better than me - No one that’s sane would ever say this out loud to someone, unless you just have absolutely 0 self esteem. Which.. I hope you don’t actually have.. But yeah, I think it’s safe to say that this one should be on everyone’s list. I see ppl that are most definitely better than me in every way, but I just think about it in my head for a quick 20 seconds and move on with my life. Realistically, there will always be someone better than you. LOL, that’s so depressing to say, but it’s true. But I’d never admit it to anyway… I mean, who wants to tell the world you’re a crappy pathetic person? I feel so pessimistic today. Maybe that’s why I’m posting such non-sense. On the side note, today was a horrible day. Probably, the worst day I’ve had all centre. I wore something extremely uncomfortable the whole day, things just didn’t go well. The weather was too hot, too sunny. Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining so much, but can you just bear to hear me continue to complain about everything that bothers me in this world? 

What is family?

I’m sure everyone has their fair share of family issues and difficulty. And if you don’t, then you are one lucky butthole. I don’t really want to reveal all my family issues to the world, HOWEVER, let’s just leave it at: We cannot choose our family members. So whatever horrible thing they do, you just have to live with it. OR DO YOU? Can I rebel, and say no, I do not recognize you as my family, even though we share some of the same genetic information! I have no guts to do that… haha, whatever happened to standing up for what you believe in? T_T

Saying something I don’t actually want -

Girls are very complicated creatures. So complex that even girls don’t understand themselves very well. Hence, a lot of ppl constantly saying, “I need to find myself first.” For the very first time, my body actually feels abdominal pain when I’m saying something I full-heartedly reject. Yet, I still manage to choke out the words. It’s really fascinating, but mysterious at the same time. I cannot begin to even describe this specific feeling.. but it’s kind of like, your heart feels heavy, your trachea tightens, your lower abdomen feels a slight pressuring push forced upon it. Is this even possible? Actually having your body reject what you dont want to say, but feel like you must say it anyway… Absolutely bollox !

What is your hardest word/phrase to say?

Maybe in fairy tales and dreams they do. But let’s face the reality. I doesn’t go well in the end. Missing someone never made anyone more insane than anything. And honestly, having to experience it this week while my face was so effed up, was definitely the cherry on top of my summer. Thinking about it now, I think it’s time to just… maybe let go? Move on? Occupy myself.. busy myself instead of constantly thinking about when I’ll see him again. It’s convenient in a sense that he does live in Scarborough, aka where my g-ma lives, but it’s not the easiest thing to visit him when I’m there. Ahm, if you don’t remember, I have extremely.. weird, strict, high standard parents. And after my bitchy cousin told my dad that I go out partying, clubbing and drinking the night away every effing day, my dad basically doesn’t trust me with anything. I can’t even go out without telling him, where I’m going, how I’m getting back, what I’m doing, who I’m going with, how long it will take etc etc etc. OH, and here’s the funniest part, if I’m going out with a guy friend, he immediately insists Junyi to come along with us……. not that she’s third wheeling or anything, but let’s ask the 16 y/o how it feels to being hanging out with 19 y/o. It’s not like I’m doing anything inappropriate with him. Mostly bus around my city, timmies run… catching up, stuff like that. So yeah, my social life was basically ruined becuz of my effing retarded cousin. It’s hilarious becuz… she’ll probably deny it if I ever mentioned this to her, so I just keep it close to my own mind. Some cousin she is..? Sometimes I wonder how I’m even related to a person like her… she’s just about the most hypocritical person I’ve met. Not that I’m saying she’s only a mean grinch to me all the time. I rmb last year I was really bitchy to her, becuz honestly, she really got to me. She’d talk shit behind my back to my relatives, and in front of my siblings… and expect that I’d never find out. LOL, she’s so stupid, really. It’s like she thinks my sisters will side with her delusional opinions about me… honestly I could go on like 100 pages about this girl, butttttt, I believe I went on a complete tangent from the main point of this post, haha, my bad.

Anyway, back to long d not going so well. What else should I really say about it… It’s like… being stabbed, but not yet dying? But honestly, you just really want to die. So you asked to be stabbed enough to die, yet he’s not willing to do it cuz he thinks everything will somehow work out magically when two people aren’t even trying anymore. Here’s the thing, it’s not going to magically WORK OUT. You’ve already been stabbed half to death in the freakin heart, it ain’t gonna heal very well. So why not just die? 

Am I giving up too fast? Somehow I feel like, I just really want this to be over with. While I’m arguing with him thru text and still writing this blog, I have seem to almost forgotten to whole purpose of this post. Haha, my bad. I can’t really multi-task. But yeah, kill my dreams and hopes now before they arise for something that doesn’t exist.

Cheers, cruel world of long distance relationships